Okay, let's do this.
I just got back from it, and well, unfortunately the theater I was in had an issue with the 3D projector, everything wouldn't line up, so I ended up missing like nearly half the film and got only blurry images with the 3D glasses and the sound.
So, lucky for me I get a rain check card and I will attempt to see it again either tomorrow or Thursday to truly give you the review you all want.
But I did manage to see a lot of the more important parts of the movie. Unfortunately, a lot of the blurry bits happened during the chapter of Fire and Water
, in which Smaug burned Laketown.
Yeah, that made me sad.
However, in this film, Smaug talks to Bard.
I swear to god, Peter Jackson has been reading my fics. I'm serious. I did the same thing with my version of how Smaug came to the Shire. He talked to Bard. And in the revisal, he talks to Bard again.
In the movie, Smaug actually lands on the town and starts basically turning Laketown into friggin Tokyo!
He literally looked like Godzilla crushing houses and all that shit.
This is Old School Godzilla. LOL!
But like I said, a lot of that was very blurry. But it was just so silly. And again, I have to say PJ's been reading my shit, because Smaug literally hands himself over to Bard. He doesn't even make it difficult, he just lands and moves towards Bard, with his chest out as it to say: "Whatcha gonna do about it? Come at me bro!"
And then he lunges, ready to eat Bard and his son Bain, Bard fires the arrow...and Smaug chokes...and the noises he's making sounds like he was suffering from autoerrotic asphyxiation. And that's how he died.
But not before falling on the Master of Laketown who had all that gold in his boat.
Of course, Smaug from Lord of the Rings of a Different Sort
had another reason of handing himself to Bard, it was to basically fake his death. That arrow did nothing to him. It hurt, but it didn't do anything to him.
So, Smaug's now dead and everyone from Laketown meets up on the shores heading for Dale. They were going to basically rebuild Dale because well, Laketown is kinda under water now and got a dragon corpse sitting on top of it.
And Alfrid. Oh god, he's a sniveling asshole, trying to get on Bard's good side when everyone cheered and started calling Bard king. Bard of course wanted nothing of it...which again is a part of what the Book said!
That's right, Bard turned down the title because Dale never had a King, it had a Lord.
So, again, it does like Desolation of Smaug
it does follow the books. The big difference is Tauriel, Kili, Flili, Oin, and Bofur are with her. And then Legolas showed up later.
He basically tells Tauriel to follow him, and she does, but not after Kili gives her his rune stone, for luck. Cuz he's in love with her. And she's kinda in love with him? Like I said, I like Tauriel, I'm glad she's in the movie, and I gave my reasons for it a year ago, but the shoehorned romance is stupid. But like Linkara said, it at least gives one of the dwarves something to do beyond being identified by the color of his hood.
I do agree with that.
She and Legolas go chase down where the orcs are. Apparently they're in Angmar. You know, the home of the Witchking of Angmar? Agmar, which is located roughly a thousand miles north of Rivendell, on the west side of the Misty Mountains.
HOW THE FUCK DID THEY TRAVEL THAT FAR FROM EREBOR?!
Okay, how do we explain this?
I know. Smaug gave Tauriel a ride to Agmar while went south towards Dol Guldur to fuck up Sauron's shit.
That didn't really happen in the movie, but that's how I'm gonna hand wave it...which is why this stupid fanfic I had been working on for a year exists. Because there are holes in the movie. Guess who fills them?
Fuck yeah, he does! Smaug's my plot-hole patcher.
He's gonna tear this shit apart once he scares Sauron away.
Okay, so the two elves go to Angmar. Which was literally next door to Erebor.
I'm guessing. There's a lot of time skips in this movie. I suppose this is taking place over like a couple of months. There were time skips in the book as well. I mean, Bilbo was gone a year, but it didn't feel like it. At least in the movie, as the seasons changed, we could see the passage of time.
So, the Battle of Five Armies...it happens in...November 23, Third Age 2941...
Smaug died in October...I guess.
You know, it really wasn't clear in the book either just how long after Smaug's death the battle happened. Thorin and Co. stayed in the mountain for weeks...and during that time, Thranduil showed up to lend aid to the Men of Long Lake.
Which he did both in the movie and in the book. Oh, and I spied like several Game of Thrones
references in the movie. And I laughed my ass off. Bard saying Winter is Coming. Bard asking about Alfrid's Nights Watch...
That was hilarious.
And Thranduil does this for the reason of getting his pretty diamonds and necklaces back from Erebor. And he understands that the Men of Dale and Laketown have stuff that belongs to them in the mountain, so he agrees to lend aid to them in exchange for their help in his needs.
Reasonable. That's what happens in the book.
Bard decides to try and reason with Thorin, yes, that happens in the book as well. And Thorin being a greedy ass now, tells Bard to fuck off.
And Bilbo having the Arkenstone, decides to go down there and give them both a leverage up on Thorin. Thorin also sends word to Dain in the Iron Hills because he knows basically 13 dwarves against army of probably ten thousand pissed off elves and humans...well it's not gonna look pretty.
So, that part follows the book very well. And Thorin succumbing to the Dragon's Sickness, as a representation of Smaug actually infesting his mind. That was a neat trick. Hell he even said some of Smaug's lines. Like: "I will not part with a single coin." And he hisses like Smaug as well.
I actually thought for a moment I heard Smaug talking through Thorin.
They handled that fairly well. He slowly goes mad with the greed, wanting to board himself up in the mountain, refusing to lend any aid to anyone. Not trusting anyone. All that. He thinks everyone's out to get him. Paranoia and such. Good play from Richard Armitage on that. Nicely done. It got really creepy at times.
Well, finally Bilbo goes down, gives them the Arkenstone, which they use to try and barter for their share of the treasure. Thorin, who's lost his mind now, doesn't even believe it's the real Arkenstone until Bilbo said it was. He gets pissed, shouts at Bilbo, nearly kills the poor guy until Gandalf stops him and tells him to "return his Burglar"
And then Dain shows up with the army of Iron Hill Dwarves and we get the beginning of the Battle of Five Armies...right now three armies are present.
Iron Hill Dwarves, verses the combined might of Men and Wood Elves. And I have to love Dain. Oh my god, he was great! Especially when he called Thranduil a strutting pixie.
"If you all wouldn't mind...I'd like you all to SOD OFF!"
Fuck yeah, dudes, just Fuck yeah.
That's Billy Connolly playing that part.
That was perfect.
Well, speaking of Gandalf. We get his bit when he's in Dol Guldur. He's sitting there, whispering his spells with Azog taunting him. That is until Kate Blanchett, aka Galadriel shows up and fucks some shit over. Not only does she like kick some ass here and there, but apparently she's like Wonder Woman or something, because the next scene she's shown actually CARRYING Gandalf in her friggle arms. How strong is Galadriel? I don't seem to recall super strength being a power of the Elves.
But apparently, Galadriel is strong enough to pick up a 200 pound man and carry him up the stairs.
She's ate her Wheaties before she showed up. Then we get Sauron showing up to screw everyone over, the Nine, the Nazgûl showing up in their ghostly forms. And then Dracula, I mean Saruman, Agent Smith...I mean Elrond...both show up with the Seventh Doctor...I mean Radagast...coming to Magneto's...I mean Gandalf's rescue.
Galadriel isn't looking too well though, expending too much of her power to fight Sauron off. Which actually now allows us to SEE why the Elves go to the Undying Lands at the end of the Lord of the Rings
. Galadriel is literally wasting away, becoming weaker and weaker the more she expels her power to fight Sauron. The elves fading is like...a battery dying. A battery that's not rechargeable. A car battery. Once it's used up, it's gone.
So pretty much by the time Frodo and everyone show up to meet Galadriel, she's pretty much running on empty. If she didn't leave, she would have well...suffer a fate worse than death, basically becoming a shade...it's like a death for an elf. That's how they die. They become these nothing ghosts left to endure on with no end. And no power.
And the fight there, well, it reminded me of the Power Rangers. And I loved it. Saruman kicking ass and taking names. This is why he is so powerful and why he was feared when he turned against everyone.
Galadriel goes into her Dark Lady mode, which is part of her condition of "fading" she pretty much nearly becomes a wraith herself and pushes Sauron away with the last of her power before falling over. Sauron flees east...and Saruman follows him.
Which we kinda guess what happens next. Right? Yeah...it's obvious. Sauron pretty much godes Saruman to join his side.
So Gandalf goes back to Erebor and warns both Bard and Thranduil about the orcs. Thranduil is pissed off at Tauriel because she didn't come back when she was supposed to. So she's banished. Legolas pretty much tells his father to fuck off...so he's banished.
And Thorin gets over his greed to fight the good fight, after the friggin battle against the two extra armies, the Wargs and Orcs from Dol Guldur show up.
Gandalf of course says that the reason why Sauron wanted Erebor because of its strategic location, giving access to Angmar and Arnor. Lothlorien, Rivendell...yeah...that's why he set Thorin on his mission to flush Smaug out.
And also to keep Smaug, the giant Morgoth created Nuclear Bomb out of Sauron's hands.
That's why he had to die.
Well, Azog's having fun...Kili and Fili decide to help Thorin go up and face Azog and Bolg. Bolg was actually in the book. Azog wasn't, he was mentioned, but didn't play any actual part in the book.
Well, so long, long battle that reminded me of a combination of The Two Towers
and The Return of the King
. Bilbo gets the idea to put on the Ring and find Thorin to warn him of the orcs from Angmar showing up. These are the Misty Mountain orcs.
And how Azog gets his troops into the battlefield was really awesome. He used giant worms to bore holes into the hills so his troops could go inside the tunnels and come out on the other side. These worms don't fight, they just create the tunnels and leave. And we get giant trolls...in daylight...*smack* but still, excellent usage of the trolls.
Legolas faces down Bolg with Orcrist. Tauriel watches as Azog kills Fili. And then Kili gets killed next. And she's all in tears afterwards, after just killing the orc who killed him.
Bilbo warns Thorin, Thorin goes after Azog now. He gets Orcrist back after Legolas throws Orcrist at one of the orcs attacking him. And they have a nice fight on a river of ice, over a frozen waterfall.
But eventually Thorin does die. He dies, allowing Azog to stab him so he could get a closer reach and stab him with Orcrist.
And when Bilbo comes to his side, Thorin does say the important line, well, an abridged version of it.
"If people valued food and cheer over hoarded gold, then this would be a merrier world."
He learns his lesson, and dies.
And then we get this scene with Bilbo and Gandalf sitting on a ledge...and in some ways, I'm reminded of King of the Hill
. I was expecting both to just say: "Yep."
You have to see the scene to get what I mean. Them sitting in silence, overwhelmed by EVERYTHING, and Gandalf taking out his pipe and trying to light it.
Well, so that bit ends. Bilbo and Gandalf both leave, but not before Bilbo tells the remaining company of dwarves he traveled with: "If you're ever in the neighborhood...tea is at 4pm...and you're all welcome to come and join me. Don't bother to knock."
So he goes home, and Gandalf leaves Bilbo right at the Shire. This is different from the books. In the book, Gandalf walks Bilbo right to his home. Here, Bilbo goes on alone from there.
And Gandalf says: "I know you found a magic ring in the Misty Mountains. And magic rings should not be taken lightly."
Of course Bilbo lies and says he dropped it...and I had a feeling Gandalf knew he was lying because Gandalf is one of the bearers of the three Elven Rings. So, he's not that easily fooled.
But that was also different from the book. In the book, Thorin and the dwarves all knew Bilbo had his magic ring. Gandalf knew Bilbo had the magic ring. But at the time, none of them realized it was the One Ring.
But when he does return, he finds his house being auctioned off. We even see Lobelia Baggins of the Sackville-Bagginses showing up to take some of his stuff. Bilbo argues with them, he manages to get some of them to stop, but when he walks in, his house is in a wreck, worse than what he left it when the dwarves came in.
And it ends with Bilbo looking at the One Ring, it then time shifts 60 years and we are back at the start of the first movie...Fellowship of the Ring
, with Gandalf knocking at the door to wish him a happy birthday.
What did I think, while yeah, there were some holes here and there, but again it was a fun ride. I was following it all through. I laughed when I laughed, I cried when I cried. So I enjoyed every minute of it.
I will go back again to re-watch it in 3D because of the issue of the projector. So I can't really give a review on how well the 3D was yet. Due to the projector in my theater screwing up. But I will say when the projector did work, the 3D looked good.
And I have a problem with 3D due to my glasses and my eyes, and I could see it fine.
So I do recommend this one to go see everyone.
And if any of you wish to read this stupid story that I had been writing since Desolation of Smaug
, well...it's going to be titled The Unexpected Friendship
. Because I'm that cheesy.
But I did have fun at the movies.