Because I figured, since I'm so depressed, why not do what I love to do...bitch about how 21st Century pop-culture is not only destroying the things I loved as a kid growing up in the 80s, but rehashing it as well...
Look at that crap!
That is NOT Jem!
This is Jem!
Okay, so pretty much the plot of the remake of Hannah Montana in a pink wig, because yeah, that's what the new movie is all about...Jerica getting discovered because her sister Kim put her playing a song on YouTube and it went viral. And then Erica of Starlight Music comes in and says she wants to make Jerica and her band famous. So they put make-up on her and call her Jem and her band the Holograms.
And then Jerica gets all caught up in the starlight, it soon just becomes about her. She abandons her friends for fame. And it takes the cute guy Rio to help set her back on track and get back together with her friends.
And that's it.
Yeah, that's it.
No Starlight Foundation for foster kids. No Misfits. No Synergy.
And NO 80s fashion and glamour. More like 2015 trying to be 80s fashion and glamour and just failing at it! And no fucking theme song!
And as much shit I give Michael Bay on his Transformers movies, at least he relatively stayed faithful to what the Transformers were. They weren't in name only. That was Optimus Prime on that screen voiced by Peter Cullen. That was Frank Welker as Soundwave and later Galvatron. That was Leonard Nemoy as Sentinel Prime.
They were recognizable to me. This? This isn't recognizable as Jem. This isn't even CLOSE to being Jem. Where Bay pretty much was batting in the ballpark with Transformers, this movie isn't even batting in the same stadium...let alone the same damned city!
It's a remake of Hanna Montana.
Jem was a lot more than just 80s pop music. At times, yeah it was silly, and just like any 80s cartoon, it was more or less a 30 minute commercial to sell toys to little girls.
But it was a lot more than that.
Jerica in the cartoon, was a woman in her 20s who had just recently lost her father, a business man and head of the record label Starlight Music.
Jerica herself ran basically an orphanage along with her sister Kimber and a few other alumni of this orphanage, like Aja, Shana, and Raya. And it was a home for runaways, it was a half way house for children, a Safe Place for children who have gone through domestic abuse, lost their families to the Cold War, drugs, whatever.
And Jerica, when she inherited her father's legacy, was hoping to use that money to help fund the orphanage. In fact, the first opening episode revolves around that. Her father left the Starlight Mansion to the company, and Jerica wanted it for her orphans to live in...but evil Corporate Douche Eric Raymond, who was trying to back another band called the Misfits, wanted to have none of that.
And there is in fact a lot of anti-corporation in this TV show. Starlight Music was falling under the control of Eric Raymond, the sleaze in the suit, and he was trying to plow out what was the most popular thing at the time, and having little to no regard to who all he steps on to get it.
Kinda reminds me of THIS movie.
Well, to combat him and trying to get some money to help their cause, Jerica then finds out about her father's secret project...Synergy...which is a sentient computer AI capable of creating life-like holographic projections. And a lot of these holographic projections do feel real to the touch.
So wanting to keep this technology out of the hands of douchebags like Raymond, Jerica agrees to keep Synergy a secret. And in return, Synergy gives Jerica the ability to perform on stage as Jem...which she projects this holographic mask over Jerica to disguise her identity.
So Jerica and her friends all form this band called Jem and the Holograms, which focuses mostly on 80s glam pop.
And bands like the Misfits focus on punk rock. It's kinda like rock vs. disco back in the 70s.
Hell, one of the episodes that I recall the most is the drug PSA. It was all about this girl coming into Starlight House, and she could play the guitar. But she felt like her talents weren't all that great. Kinda how sometimes I feel. Most of the time!
And yeah, she took drugs to make all her troubles go away. And it even gave a good visualization of what being high on LSD would be like.
And of course it's bad...and she eventually gets off the stuff and Jem has her play along with the band to show that she is talented.
But still, that's what the series was about.
It even had action pieces, car chases, espionage. The Misfits causing lots of damage and getting loads of felonies for doing so, and not being convicted, which is pretty much how it is for crazy stupid stars these days.
I mean the Misfits predicted Justin Bieber! I'm not fucking kidding! Pizzazz of the Misfits is pretty much a female Justin Bieber, but with better singing talent.
And we had a Nelson Twins-like band of two blonde long haired girls and one blonde "Fabio" like lead singer...who by the way was voiced by Townsend Coleman...
Yeah...fucking Michelangelo of the Ninja Turtles was in Jem!
That's Michelangelo, guys. Dudes....
Yup...
But remember guys...
This
is this 
Because Cam Clarke played Leonardo and Malygos, guys.
