Something Bad in Tennesssee

Jul 17, 20155 min read

Deviation Actions

Ghostwalker2061

Published: Jul 17, 2015

3.3K Views

Someone informed me that something bad happened in Tennessee.

Oh no, did Graceland crumble?

The Grand Ole Opry implode from too much redneck?

Did a bunch of Right Wing, Teabagger, Confederate Flag-waving mouth breathers set Nashville on fire after the federal government legalized gay marriages for EVERY state?

(But seriously, go us for finally getting rid of that stupid no-sodomy law, a law that is just as useless as the don't walk on a sidewalk with ice cream on a Sunday law.)

Did the New Madrid fault decided to do another shimmy? If it did, I slept through another continent splitting earthquake again. The last continent splitting earthquake happened in 1987, and all it did was crack my downstairs window.

I decided to do a google search on anything particularly bad happening in Tennessee and all I could find was a medical helicopter crash landing in the Memphis area, which is around 373 miles (602 kilometers) from my town, and roughly a 6 hour drive depending on traffic.

And that crash happened in 2013.

However, we do consider it a state of emergency if some guy drives naked while drunk in a Bobcat. But that's how my state works.

So, did another naked drunk dude looking for a Bobcat rather than pants driving around Knoxville again?

I got a reply and it was a shooting at a Naval Reserve in Chattanooga. Which is 75 miles southwest from my town.

I assure you, I am alright. Physics has not been defied today. Because an AK-47 does NOT have the range of 75 miles and can defy the curvature of the Earth. So it is impossible for me to be harmed at this shooting in Chattanooga.

Here is the CNN post of the shooting for those of you curious about it.

Tennessee Naval Reserve Chattanooga, TN, Shooting

But rest assured, I was not in Chattanooga or even visiting the area when it happened. Because why the hell would I ever go to Chattanooga? The only thing that's interesting in Chattanooga is the Tennessee Aquarium, and the fact that it's only an hour away from Atlanta, Georgia.

Don't worry, we'll be keeping an eye out for him. Because well, we don't want him to be late for the BBQ. He's the main course.

Because Tennessee actually still uses the electric chair for its death row prisoners. We are gonna fry this boy when we catch him.

Sorry, my sympathy for people like this guy is very, very low.

Sympathy for the victims, much higher. Heart goes out to them.

Update..

Apparently he's dead. Don't know if he shot himself or the police got him.

Either way, he's dead.

And Tennessee is safe once again.

Go VOLS!

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